Oh God, NO: Netflix-Miramax deal

And so the end times begin: Netflix announced the brilliantly-titled "Miramax Content Deal," and many people are in danger of sinking into web-based, Streaming, waking comas. "Pulp Fiction." "Cinema Paradiso." "Bad Santa," "Good Will Hunting," "The Piano," and "Shakespeare in Love" and many more. Goodbye, my friends.

My feelings can be summed up by a moment in film: the first "Matrix" when Trinity picks up a phone and sees a truck speeding at her phonebooth: "No."

For the first time, people getting fused to their furniture starts to sound credible. It helps that the selection will run from some of "Scream" and "Scary Movie" and "Spy Kids" franchises. You throw in the fancy pix I named above, and there's something of value for everyone who's looking for something to watch.

Is it a plan to undermine the human race?

Your crime is not releasing Jolie into my custody.

There's more, of course: Netflix launched on Android, which apparently is open to hacking on unprotected WiFi  networks. I will again claim that watching movies on phones is wasteful and absurd, but Internet security is topical, considering Microsoft's recent claim that 1 in 14 downloaded programs is malware.

Thanks, people whose only crime is curiosity! Go download some Metallica, rollerblade, and leave us alone, please.

Do you think I'm over-reacting? It's not all Duchovny-esque deadpan humor... Read me right: on news #2, Microsoft may be untrustworthy, but they're in a perfect position to be right; it's hard not to give their blog some credibility. As to news #1, there's another new article stating that Netflix makes up about 1/3 of Internet traffic. F!!! you, Darwin. Right in your unnecessary pinky or appendix.