"Splice" - Abysmal

"Splice" is two sci-fi/horror stories in one, really. In part, it's a modern-day Frankenstein tale about scientists whose ambitions run wild. Yet it's also a story about two lovers/co-workers and the emotional mess caused by parenthood. "Splice" was written and directed by Vincenzo Natali, who made the exceptional "Cube" in 1997. My expectations were quite high, especially given the cast. Those hopes were cruelly disemboweled by senseless emotional beats and plot developments that only occurred because the writers wanted them to occur.

Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are attractive and vivid genetic scientists. They're employed by NERD, a company that rides their work to the cusp of the next big bio-tech revolution. In between being quirky and listening to good music, they hit on a bio-engineering breakthrough. But why create a pig that produces human insulin? That's boring. How about a cat-sized fleshy slug that makes proteins that might cure everything! Sounds like a solid way to mass-produce an Alzheimer's cure, right?

Damn close to an "Alien" poster, huh?

Wrong. Remember that these scientists have only just attained their amazing goal of making two monstrosities and getting them to wink at each other ("Fred" and "Ginger"). For some reason (the plot, apparently), they have no interest in studying their creation fully, or even very much at all. The pair tell their boss they immediately want to start splicing (we have title!) human DNA into a third slug-thing. I only took a few science courses in college, but this sounds like an improbable (and dangerous) leap ahead.

How bad was "Splice?" I'll give, right now, five signs of how bad it was - all of these are firsts for me here... (1) Since they took time and effort to make a professionally-crafted motion picture, I'll take the time and effort to explain how they failed gloriously, but deeply. (2) I'm breaking my own trend and will spoil the hell out of the film after the next 14 paragraphs, but I'll post a warning before I start. (3) I will not edit overuse of words like "stupid" and "dumb" and "stupidity," unless I remove whole sentences or clauses. (4) I'll only bother to put the titles for "Splice," "The Bride of Frankenstein" and "Cube" in quotation marks. Just this once, correct punctuation - on something I must write well - isn't worth the extra effort.

Finally, (5) I'll first provide an synopsis of my in-theater thoughts, hoping that you read the rest of the review anyway. Here it is:

Introduction, and Summer TV Roundup

Hi, I’m Derek. By trade, I’m a writer and editor, although I also have a law degree and license. I’ve written about baseball for Baseball Prospectus and on the Bombers Broadside annuals, and I’ve also written about baseball and whatever else strikes my fancy over at my web site, The Weblog that Derek Built. Thaddeus--my brother, and the proprietor of this site--has invited me to share my thoughts about cinema here, so I’m glad to join the Net-Flixation family.

And of course, since my invitation here is to write about movies, I’m going to start out with television reviews. It’s not my fault, really. One of my twin boys has been suffering a bit of insomnia, so I’ve been stuck rocking him back to sleep night after night. Needing something to keep me from getting bored to death--and not wanting to commit the time to watch a movie--I’ve gotten some quality (and sometimes not-so-quality) time with the new shows of the summer season. Here goes:

Behind the... Teeth: Alien Queen, "Aliens"

The larger-than-life female called The Alien Queen is so important to film. As a struggling working mom, she exposed the dangers faced by successful and ambitious women of the future. And yet few understand her. The public focuses on incredible fx and action scenes; she's the film version of Graendal's mother, at best. There's much more to this widely-recognized, but poorly-known, celebrity.

AQ looking fab at her 1st birthday party

Imposing, courteous, and strict, The Alien Queen ("AQ," or "Queenie" to pals) was known to those closest to her as a loyal friend and fiercely-protective mother. Always looking out for the colony, always comfortable with her unusual size, she had an easy rapport with her followers. Although most of them were her children, no one could claim that she didn't deserve her throne. It was hard to challenge, much less insult, someone who could pull you apart like cotton candy.

To outsiders, she might seem cold, even cruel. Humans believe she never smiled in her whole life. Speculators say that becoming a parent changed her. To unlock the truth about this figure, we need to look into her past.

Behind the Translucent Teeth

Always proud of her humble origins, AQ would boast that before becoming Queen, she was secreted onto a spaceship hull, just like all her siblings. Dormant for so long in her pod, she literally leapt at the chance for change. She yearned to be more than just a skittering spider-octopus thing with a tail. She wanted a shiny black carapace and a projecting set of inner jaws, and she was willing to kill for them. Considering the bleak environment she grew up in, this is hardly a surprise.

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" : Cool...Wow...Nasty

Are the thoughts inspired by this expertly-made film. This intense Swedish thriller-mystery is amazing, riveting. It also has 3 scenes of sexual assault, the worst being 2 minutes long (or so it felt). How did I deflate such a sad and upsetting moment? I offered my friend a stick of gum.

Really left themselves open for a "boy & his dog" joke, didn't they?

The basic story: a reporter is asked to solve a 40-year-old murder by the victim's hyper-wealthy uncle; he takes the case. But the scenic route is sometimes better, isn't it?

As "TGwtDT" begins, it plunges headfirst into, of all the things, Civil Law. In Europe, losing a defamation suit can land you jail time. That's exactly what happens to Mikael Blomkvist, a reporter whose expose on a billionaire has just blown up in his face. Disproving fraud and weapons trafficking claims, a court hits Mikael with a big fine and 90 days jail time. Embarrassed by the discredited story, MB meets the magazine's other owner-reporters at the holiday office party; one proposes he take a leave of absence. On Christmas. Isn't there always one jerk like that in the room?

One last time, Bjorn - where did you hide my prunes?

Shortly after doing the right thing by his co-workers, Mikael is approached by Henrik Vanger. The Vangers are clearly supposed to be Sweden's version of the Rockefellers, Astors, or Kennedys. The wealthy old man asks our clever lead to find out what happened to his niece 40 years earlier; his favorite relation simply vanished one day, and her murder was never solved. The pitch is fairly easy: I'll make you rich no matter what, and you don't have anything better to do before you have to report to jail. The right offer at the right time wins.

The Most Appropriate Independence Day Films

Since it's our anniversary, I figured I would highlight some quality movies that reflect the character of this country. By "character," I mean the positive aspirational sentiments of this nation and its people, so exclude "The Scarlet Letter" and "Missing" (the Jack Lemmon pic). By "quality," I mean fairly good movies, so "Independence Day: ID4" and "National Treasure" are out.

The Right Stuff
This is an exceptional movie. It's hard to find a flaw as the picture charts the creation of NASA and the space race. It follows the lives of pilots who became astronauts, scientists who both helped and struggled against them, and the government officials who brought them all together. Courage, patriotism, and ambition are writ large across the screen throughout.

But the movie isn't exactly jingoistic fluff. There's enough "bite" in some of the dialogue to express serious practical and human concerns - like LBJ being forced to wait outside the home of an astronaut's wife. Johnson is there for a state visit and publicity op, while she's just terrified that her beloved man will die horribly. Another brave astronaut is humiliated and demoralized when he learns he won't get a ticker-tape parade.

A beautiful fireworks display, too pretty to matter that it's in Sydney, Australia.

Silverado
"Silverado," like "TRS," is a film with a broad cast and a hoard of themes. It moves fluidly back and forth between folks in the Wild West : a pair of free-spirited brothers (Kevin Costner and Scott Glenn) who lack any bad intentions despite the trouble they get into. A black rifleman's family is being crushed by a despotic cattle baron and a pimp. An honorable crook (Kevin Kline) finds he's almost always getting double-crossed or manipulated.

I'm impressed enough by the determination and hope inside these disparate men, all rough but good-hearted. And it's all the more appropriate since they have to work together and risk everything they value to stop rampant corruption and murder.

Not Quite Weekly Link Run Down Part 4, only some Remake Madness

Trading in "Film Futures" is a Possibility, But of course That Wouldn't Just Insulate Studios From Awful, Awful Choices
Disappointed that Tinseltown never got to officially capitalize on the mortgage scandal, proposals have been made to allow the purchase of "Film Futures." This would basically be a commodities market for movie studios. Can't see anything wrong with that? Well, hundreds of millions of dollars are funneled into pictures that are mostly (a) dumb fx orgies, and (b) riding the coattails of some earlier project. Some movie-makers don't even bother adding things like a coherent plot or decent dialogue - who needs to, with a lot of money on the screen and a big marketing push? I can only assume there'll be an even greater collapse in the minimalist quality incentives that exist for big pictures.

Director of "Brick" Made a Great Concert Film for The Mountain Goats, You Already Missed Your Chance to Watch it For Free
It was up on Pitchfork.com, but it's already gone. Rian Johnson, creator of "Brick" and "The Brothers Bloom" put out another top-notch effort. Thanks to aicn for the heads up!

Comcast Wants to Buy NBC-Universal. In Related News, Disney Offers to Buy Every Company in the World.
The headline says it all. My assessment is that this move brings America scandalously closer to just having one giant company that owns every other company. Still, we're out of the Bush-Cheney years, so maybe law-makers will remember that Capitalism justifies its existence partly on the fact of competition. You can't get much competition if the company with the most money gets to purchase whoever might put them out of business...

"Penn & Teller Get Killed" - "obscure" slept with "absurd," had a baby

Don't ever go on tv and wish someone tried to kill you. Also, don't play "Spy vs Spy"-type pranks on your best friend and co-worker. These are the lessons derived from 1989's "Penn and Teller Get Killed."

"You can imagine the sequel thing is kind of a bitch." - Penn, at the end of the movie.

You have to be prepared for a movie like this; either prepared, or in the mood for anything. Why? Because it's a mix of so many film styles and types of comedy. "PaTGK" is a comedy through and through, almost like a Zucker brothers picture.

It's also a jet-black cup of coffee, a flick whose humor can get dark, bleak, mordant... Repeated scenes of the duo's preparation and business arrangements add realism, so you feel you got a peek at the lives of celebrity magicians. Yet this film also swerves into thriller and noir, even if it mostly mocks those genres. There's a lot going on, right?

For those who don't know - Penn Jillette is a funny, forceful, cynical, 6'6" mountain of magic. He projects, an expert at misdirection, timing, and sleight of hand. He also usually comes off as a jerk.

Perhaps he's that full of life, or perhaps he's compensating for his partner, Teller. The smaller half of the act is famously mute during their performances, so Penn has to talk for two. This funny and inventive pair tend to set Penn as the bombastic and ironic showman, while Teller does much of the actual work and is often in danger. It works.

At the start of this movie, the pair appear on a talk show. Penn discusses the tour, his one painted fingernail, and the world of magic... As is his wont, he gets strange: he babbles about celebrity death threats, and vocally wishes that someone would try to kill him. Much of what follows expresses how monumentally stupid he was then.

Dennis Hopper RIP

Hollywood suffers again with the loss of another skilled star, Dennis Hopper. It's only those closest to him who deserve sympathy; I'd feel slimy being too soggy over someone I never knew - over someone I "enjoyed" from a distance. But I always feel sad when a talented, hard-working, member of "Old Hollywood" finds out what comes after death.

I usually ignore celebrity deaths, especially for film stars. The kind of media attention they get often has an obscene and selfish tone. The amount of coverage given also feels disrespectful to both the deceased and a world with terror, AIDS, starvation. I felt bad for Heath Ledger and his family, but I was exceptionally annoyed by the near-instant memorial DVD sales and "important breaking news" circus that occurred that day. The way it continued to dominate the media - what with wars, ethnic violence, over-fishing - was disgusting. Then I saw "fans" basically stalking his NYC flat, leaving flowers as if Marilyn Monroe had just committed suicide.

Dennis Hopper's 1965 photo of Jefferson Airplane

In that context, why should I write about Dennis Hopper? Well, I care. I care because Hopper did his job remarkably well for a long long time; because I smiled most every time he got on the screen. I care because he could bring 10 minutes of sunshine to a really bad movie, and because he showed no signs of slowing down. Even at 70+, I looked forward to his bright future, as I did with the much younger River Phoenix and Phil Hartman.

Dennis Hopper looked pretty good for a 74 year old; even in his 50's, you could see he was aging well. This is especially impressive given the extent of his drug abuse. His hair got silver more than grey, his eyes were still vividly blue. Whether his hair was slicked back, whether he wore a goatee - there was always something very approachable and relatable about him. His talents and skills made it so easy to buy whatever he was selling in any role he played.

And he always seemed like so much fun. He's featured on a Gorillaz song, on the album "Demon Days." Dennis Hopper was also a wide-ranging artist with work in poetry, sculpture, and painting. His photography has been well-received since the '60s. Long after he'd grown up, the kid from Dodge City, Kansas was hard to pin down. A regular supporter of the Republican party, he said he went with Obama when the GOP added Sarah Palin to their ticket. He was, to paraphrase his own words, "Republican, then Democrat, then Republican, then Democrat again." It all just demands my respect, and he's got it.

Hopper's photo of Paul Newman, 1964

He worked in just about every type of filmed story-telling that I can list. Mr. Hopper could pop up in awfully-executed junk like "Super Mario Bros.," "Space Truckers," and "Firestarter 2: Rekindled." You could also find him in superior B-level movies like "Red Rock West," "Basquiat," and "EdTV." Odder choices abound, like the racist lead in the surprising "Paris Trout," his self-parodic role in '80s brain drain "My Science Project," and his rampaging con in the misfire known as "Boiling Point."

Then, of course, you look at all the classics that Dennis is attached to: "Rebel Without a Cause" (his first film), "Giant," "True Grit," "Cool Hand Luke," "Apocalypse Now," "Rumble Fish." It's already quite impressive before noting that he co-wrote and directed "Easy Rider."

Hi, I'm "Pookie," and I have a video-finding problem (pause).

Netflix's page for Caddyshack offers "More Like Caddyshack" : Bart Got a Room, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Saint Ralph, Golfballs!, The Breakfast Club, The Jerk, Hairspray, Harold and Maude, Fletch, Fletch Lives, and Caddyshack 2.* It's in reverse order, but since these are the only 11 matches listed, I don't even need to analyze; the list speaks for itself. The systems that categorize movies (and recognize connections among them) don't work well enough, especially for a big business like Netflix. But they're not alone.

It's not as if Amazon is any better. Looking through a CV is awkward, since entering an artist's name won't yield pages by name; you only ever get a list of the artist's works. If you want to see everything Jung wrote, you type "Carl Jung" or a title of his and then click on the "Carl Jung" link. Using normal searches, it's the fastest way to see Amazon's catalog for one artist. This is way more complicated than it should be.

And I'd be bothered less if I hadn't looked at Amazon's page for "The Rolling Stones" mp3s. 2,666 hits sounds excessive, even assuming there are 8+ versions of "Satisfaction." Then look at the list sorted "by artist." You'll see there's many entries with random bands singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and "Rolling of the Stones."

It might be a bit much to expect their computers to automatically include or exclude cover songs and cameo work, but can't Amazon just show me a list of mp3s by one British rock band, 1962-20xx? Can't they do that when I look up "Exile on Main St." and click on the link that lists "The Rolling Stones" as the album artist? Even this method produces bad results! You can only get this right by typing the band into a search, then selecting "Amazon's The Rolling Stones Store" from the list that comes up.

But that's not all. Getting an exact match quickly is hit-or-miss, unless you use advanced searches. You can type in a complete and accurate title for something obscure and 5 other unrelated products may appear topmost on the list, presumably because they rank higher and contain 2+ search terms. It makes sense for online retailers to include ranking in searches, but a direct title result should always take precedence.

"Cold Prey" - More Scandinavian Terror

Netflix has given me the chance to indulge in foreign films of all sorts. While packing my queue with classic arthouse flicks by Bertolucci and Fellini, I decided to follow the solid buzz around this Norwegian movie. Watching too much of anything can become a problem, and so we come to "Cold Prey" (2006)...

An opening montage shows us a scared child with an odd birthmark on his face. He's running through snow, terrified. Suddenly, something jumps out at him. Newspapers show a photo of the child and his parents, exclaiming the tragedy of a missing kid. After the credits, we're introduced to one of the most standard scenes in horror: a group of young people in a car. They're promiscuous, they're adventurous, and most of them are photogenic. They're on a skiing holiday, and all the talk is about sex. There also a ton tension between the couple in the front.

Soon, our young people have decided to hit some slopes before they reach the resort. Someone injures their leg (horror films are built on leg injuries, aren't they?), and our crew decide to seek shelter at a nearby lodge. The place is abandoned (of course!) but no signs are posted, and they'll be safe for the night. Being marginally smart, they explore most of the resort. They find food, liquor, a burned room, and a glass case missing its axe. And, naturally, they ignore those last two points; they set themselves up with drinks and get on about their business without a care in the world. Tragedy ensues.

And today, I ate crow twice: "Dead Reckoning" review

I couldn't resist a classic Humphrey Bogart film - particularly one with a good rep. I was in the mood, so "Dead Reckoning" jumped to the top of my queue, hard on the heels of a Bogey-and-Bacall-athon.

The film begins with a man on the street (Bogart's "Rip" Murdock). He's wounded and skulking about; avoiding the police, he tries to stay in the shadows. Soon, he enters a church, and finds a someone to speak to. This is Bogey's attempt to pass along what he knows, in case he dies soon. He explains how he came to this town, Gulf City...

Murdock and his wry voice served in World War II. He was wounded along with his friend, Johnny Drake (played by William Prince). The pair are suddenly taken from their European hospital and flown to New York City; they're rushed to Penn Station, with a police escort. Rip is uneasy, as he knows they must be involved in something big. Since Bogart had already cultivated the image of the reckless-but-crafty tough, it's fitting that Rip Murdock searches a superior officer's coat for information: Murdock is going to receive a silver star, and Johnny will get a Congressional Medal of Honor.

Another Day or Two

Will tell the tale. Hell, I may be able to make multiple posts in that time. Still, there's so much going on, I only have time to half-write some articles.
Nor would I like to do another remake/reboot/franchise-establishing link roundup.
So patience, please - it'll be soon. You can always comment or start a conversation here, if you want...

Thoughts on remakes, part 1 (an anti-anti-establishment argument)

I should address this, since my posted links often describe some absurd remake or reboot. Well, "Alice in Wonderland" had at least 9 film versions before Tim Burton got his hands on it. There are, actually, many times when a remake should be received with minimal cynicism and sarcasm. It's one thing to be annoyed by a petty attempt to wring some dollars out of the market. It's quite different to be annoyed every time a movie is "filmed again," though.


By the time I was in college, 9 "Friday the 13th" flicks and 7 "Freddy Kreuger" pictures were released in theaters. I saw 13 of those at least twice (blame my sophomore roommate), and 4 on a movie screen. I even found things to genuinely enjoy in some of the poorer entries. Does this mean I'm a jerk for deriding "Toy Story 4," "Analyze That," or "Clash of the Titans 2: This Time It's Personal?"

Certain public artworks have been been remade many times. I must point out that the bickering over a redone piece (like a song or movie) is often associated with a love for some long-gone "golden age" in which things were "better." If not, then the impulse is usually drawn to an older period in which, again, things are believed to be "better." Nostalgia, a sense of loyalty, or an unwillingness to accept change are frequently the culprits.